Globe and Mail: It’s a worrying time to be a spokesbeaver
Saturday, March 31st, 2007The telco’s have been getting a lot of attention the last couple weeks. On the 22nd of March the Globe & Mail reported that Telus was taking BCE to court over an ad run in Western Canada, were Frank and Gordon (the lovable Bell spokesbears) were bragging that Bell had the most powerful network. The only problem, was that Bell runs off of Telus networks in the West!
This past week BCE was rumoured (on the front page of the Globe) to soon be the target of a takeover by KKR — an American private equity firm. BCE quickly denied the reports, but the very next day were reported to be in talks with Telus for a possible merger. The following script (it’s a joke) from a Bell Mobility TV commercial was in todays Globe:
Bell Mobility’s latest TV commercial, take 23. Action:
Gordon: So, Frank, did you hear about the company being taken over by Lenny Kravitz?
Frank: That’s Henry Kravis, Gord. And by the time he’s finished with us, you can forget about your lifetime supply of jelly beans.
Gordon: What would an American leveraged buyout company want with us? I was checking BCE stock yesterday on my new phone using our unlimited calling plan, and apparently the share price hasn’t moved since Alexander Graham Bell last called his mom on her birthday.
Frank: That’s just it, Gord. It doesn’t matter how well you and I do at attracting the elusive 14-35 demographic in the face of intense competition from hipper, nimbler providers such as Rogers and Virgin Mobile, the fact remains that our shareholders are fed up with BCE stock stinking up their RRSPs.
Gordon: So that nice man, Michael Sabia, who interviewed us for the job, is he in trouble?
Frank: Let’s just say he might just want to think of posting his résumé on workopolis.com. You too, my furry friend. I hear they’re thinking of replacing you with a possum.
Gordon: Oh yeah? Well, don’t count your chickens, because when they find out how much Norm McDonald is getting paid to do your voice, he’ll be the out the door and you’ll be talking like Ryan Seacrest.
Frank: Seacrest’s cheap. He’s got no class.
Gordon: Maybe, but I’m scared, Frank. Very scared. I can’t afford to go back to building dams for a living. Can’t Ottawa step in?
Frank: That’s an idea! Hey, why don’t I call Stephen Harper using Bell Mobility’s amazing family and friends plan?
(Close-up on Frank holding the ultracool LG Fusic phone. He dials.)
Frank: Prime Minister’s office, please. Oh, hi Mr. Harper. Say, I wondered if you could do something to stop Americans taking over Canada’s most prized telecommunications network and infrastructure? Hmm-hmm. Yep. Uh-ha. OK. (Hangs up.)
Gord: What’s he say?
Frank: He said he’d like to help us, but there’s no Quebec or 905 votes in it.
Gord: That’s it. I’m outta here. Screw those monkeys, I’m heading over to Telus.
Frank: Me too.
Exeunt, pursued by a bear.

